Lent Day 24: Peace, Precious Peace – My Evolution.

Early last year, I wrote a piece on how I have come to recognize my peace as my most precious gift and how jealously I guard it. You can read it here:  Peace, Precious Peace

Well, I am here to confess that I have evolved from the mechanism of guarding my peace that I so proudly wrote about last year. As I noted last year, I developed a mechanism of building a mental wall around my peace and filtering who or what could come through that wall to disturb my inner calm. I filtered what I heard and listened to and discarded what I did not like; I filtered the actions of strangers, associates, friends and family and shrugged off what I did not consider could add meaningful value to my life.

I got my peace guarded quite all right, I was able to either produce a blank stare (that deer caught in a headlight look) or smile frigidly through unpleasant interactions and discard them. But the problem with that kind of imaginary wall is that it renders me useless for some things God would need me for. An imaginary wall that blocks my vulnerable emotions behind iron gates will also, to some extent, block off some of the graces God needs me to have and develop in order for me to be useful to Him. I thank Jesus for His grace in continually opening my eyes and renewing my mind.

I cannot make my own rules for how I want to live my life and at the same time tell Jesus that I am ready to be poured out for Him, and used for His purpose. If I am to be useful, if my heart is to be molded to be like Christ’s, it has to be malleable and accessible. Sometimes the preparation that I will need for a specific calling or purpose will require being hurt by friends and loved ones. It is through the gates of disappointment and pain that Jesus comes knocking, bringing His light, love, mercy, wisdom and healing power.

Yes, Jesus gave me His precious peace, but He has much more than that for me. Holding on to that precious peace at all cost will lead to missing out on other graces necessary for the Spirit’s ongoing work of sanctification in me. It is also an example of making an idol out of a virtue. Peace had become an idol that I had to keep at all cost while unconsciously shutting the door to the Giver of the peace and the blessings He wanted to give me through my hurtful interactions with others.

Now, by Grace, I have exchanged my spiritual wall for the freedom of  The Spirit’s wind to blow where it will. With that comes a greater sense of understanding when I find myself in antagonistic situations. I am able to accommodate someone disturbing my peace because I know that there is often some hidden, background emotion or experience influencing the hurtful  interaction. I remind myself to look beyond the person I’m seeing and engage in spiritual warfare with my real adversary, the enemy of my soul, who is using  a human being as a tool.

My cold smile when I am irritated, has been replaced with an inner urge to say a quiet prayer for strength and wisdom for myself, and healing for an adversary. My blank stare has been replaced with a deliberate and deep breath. The peace that I frequently struggled to contain in my soul with a wall now flows through me into the situation. I now understand better how we are not meant to be hoarders of any of our blessings and gifts; we are meant to be Christ’s hands and feet, vessels and tools to be used for God’s glory in every situation.

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